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Grief – a delayed response

grief counselling

A very dear friend of mine recently passed away, I was aware of her long term illness but I was not aware it was terminal. So when I received the news I was initially shocked but I felt no emotion e.g. I couldn’t cry. I was more concerned about the details and what had happened.   The following day I made a mental note to contact her family and send my condolences.  However in the middle of my day I found myself being drawn back to my childhood memories of being at school together and how much of each others lives we shared prior to my move to Australia – and then the flood gates opened.  I cried inconsolably and I was racked with guilt and grief at not being there for her in her time of need.  When I eventually spoke to her family I could not get through the phone call because of my sorrow.

In counselling we often talk about delayed reactions to grief or a trauma and how it can show up when you least expect it, which is different for everybody.  We tried to be in control of those feelings but small triggers, be it music a familiar smell, a photo can bring back those memories, which are now associated with the loss – something that can never be retrieved.  I will never see my dear friend again and I have to accept that.  Counselling that is compassionate and supportive can help you deal with feelings of loss and grief and eventually come to terms with it.

 

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The top 5 reasons people have a mindset coach

Mindset coach

Mindset Coaching is different for every client. It is a personal journey to help you achieve that life you want. The top 5 reasons i think people have a mindset coach are:

  1. Its an Investment in yourself – you are worth it, so go for it!
  2. It can help you to achieve your goals faster – It gives you drive, it makes you question the status quo and its a constant reminder of what you are doing and why
  3. You really can achieve the un-achieveable or un-imaginable – it helps you to broaden your thoughts and ultimately helps you think BIGGER than what is in front of you
  4. Gives you improved self confidence – as we all know achievement breeds success, the little engine that could.. did and so can you
  5. Gives you a sense of ownership in your life choices and accountability – it makes you try harder because it all comes down to you and what you want to achieve.

How often do you need to go? I would say once a month but more often if you need that accountability kicked up a notch.

What do you do in a regular session? as I mentioned it is different for every client but generally we will reflect on the previous period, discuss how you felt you went, and plan for the period ahead.

How do you prepare for a session?  I believe a to do list helps to keep you on track. It can be in a binder/file/activity book but something that you carry with you to reflect and note down anything you want to discuss in your sessions.

And it doesn’t need to be Sydney CBD based I run sessions by Skype just ask.

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What do we pay attention to?

The more we do, the busier we are

what-do-we-pay-attention-toI often wonder how people manage the constant influx of  information from the many social and professional platforms out there – when I think I’ve mastered one such, another pops up. Whilst I’m always in favour of growth versus stagnation, who do we choose to listen to? the profiles with the largest twitter followers the latest snap chat or instagram feeds? or the more snazzier profiles with the most endorsements on linked in?  Is our bottom line what our Facebook friends endorse or those of us fortunate enough to have coaches, mentors or solid family support have the last say?  When I first join the linked in community I remember staying up quite late just reading and absorbing the latest posts, blogs from groups, profiles and so forth – some were intriguing and interesting. However by the next day I couldn’t tell you which one influenced me or stayed in my thoughts the most.

After overcoming an acute episode of stomach acid reflux (GERD clinical term). I paid no attention to the slight nagging pain that often accompanied me late at night when trying to sleep.  I continued to ignore it and got on with my day to day. This was to my detriment as it became acute and  a trip to the GP was promptly required.  The somatics amongst us would advocate emotional, conflictual or goodness eminates from the gut – the saying ‘gut feeling’ or ‘a good belly laugh’ rings true.

In my case when I didn’t listen or paid attention it came back and smacked me right in the face or in this case my stomach.  In our increasingly digitalised and automated world of brands, high visibilty and constant cyber clutter – disguised as the ‘real deal’ – how do we determine what’s genuine and what’s not? Who do we pay attention to?  I’ve deliberately  held back from all of that and whilst I’m aware it may ‘hurt’ my ‘profile’ from a visibility perspective and for fear of not embracing change.  Or worse still becoming a modern day dinosaur.  The lesson *GERD has taught me if I don’t listen well and pay attention to what’s really important there will be no ‘me’ striving to make a difference.

*Gastroesophageal reflux disease

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How do we manage work complexities?

managing work complexities

The answers may lie at home….

As the summer holidays are upon us and those of us who are managing family activities, attending to aged parents, working, running a business and so on, I couldn’t help thinking about a recent event I attended November last year hosted by Jennifer Garvey Burger and Keith Johnson on their work around Complexity Theory and keeping it simple. Jennifer posed a question to the group of what complexity meant to us? My thoughts on this are whilst complexity and leadership are the ‘new’ construct that leaders are grappling with, could the ‘answers’ to some of those insights be closer to home? Any parent (and it is still largely woman) who are raising families today are juggling and managing multiple personalities within a wide age range – toddlers to teens, and not forgetting the ‘CEO’ executive aged parent.

The skill-set involved in having to cater for and hold major conferences at meal-times every day where the rules of engagement are unpredictable is a challenge. Ensuring that each family (team) member are given the opportunity to have a say and that their views are valued, are not without its inherent tensions.

That their growth and well being are given the highest priority within your means. Also not forgetting to allow the offspring opportunities to unleash their creativity in their own rooms, and if the space is shared this is made even more complex.

Finally when the primary caregiver feels they’ve got it sussed and everybody is happy, then they could finally attend to their own (developmental) needs. Or maybe not, because the family system in all its variable constructs is a heaving and breathing entity constantly changing and evolving – strong families (corporations) know that and go with it.  I think Jennifer with her tribe of four children knows a thing or two!

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The Gift of Giving

gift of giving

gift-of-givingAs I was opening my gifts from my family – I had a quiet moment of reflection of how much thought goes into it if it’s done from a ‘good’ place as appose to duty bound. For the first time my teenage son who has been working over the holidays since he left school was able to ‘buy’ us gifts. The effort was touching and it warmed my heart when I peeled back the package and it was genuinely what I would’ve liked to have read and it was ‘spot on’ in terms of what I was interested in. Whilst I know that christmas has become more commercialised and I must admit it jars me when stuff starts appearing in the shops in late Sept /Oct. However having said that it’s also potentially a time that we can truly think about those we care about and what we want to do about it (if any).

‘Forcing’ myself to purchase gifts with thought and care not only focuses me to think about what that person means to me but more importantly to ‘notice’ them – what makes them laugh, what are they interested in, what flavoured their lives throughout the year. Then I go shop!

This year has been particularly testing in the world we inhabit intolerance and anxiety have become frequently used sentiments of the day. Talking ‘nonsense’ about purchasing gifts is not only about adding to the economy of it – it’s the giving of your time, your attention, generosity of spirit (if you have it) which is all free. At a recent poetry event in Redfern last month – A US poet left me with this thought, which I hope will take me into the new year harvesting that generosity.

” What seed do we birth in others – I see you we can be everyone’s smile”

by Sonia Renee Taylor

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Complex transitions

complex transitions

Sometime last year I had a brief conversation with  my brother-in-law, we talked aboutPartnershipForGrowth_7 what our children were doing as their twin boys and my son were in their last year of school. My brother in-law  revealed that my sister was struggling with the transitioning of the last of their children to young adult hood and having to come to terms with that.  He surprised me when he admitted although we often complain about the ‘angst’ that comes with teenage territory he also shared her sadness and dare I say grief.

This lead me to question my surprise, because  it is not often we hear father’s express their thoughts and feelings about the so call ’empty nest syndrome’ which can sometimes appear to be a mother’s prerogative.  The transitioning from parenting small children who rely on you solely for their survival, identity and sense of well being, I  believe is a shared loss experienced  by both parents albeit differently.  Coupled with that sense of ‘loss’ is the complex balance of forging new relationships with your teenage children, which can comprise of accepting them as young adults and still asserting and re-definiting your identity as their parents.   In households headed by single parents and same sex families it would be interesting to shed some insight into how this ‘loss’ and complex transition is experienced and whether there are any learnings from this?

When my last child transitioned into senior school yr 7.  I felt a sense of loss that crept up on me that I wasn’t prepared for,  I also felt I needed some sort of ceremony (which in some cultures is common ) to farewell the chatty little boy, that was always hanging around my feet with a twinkle in his eye waiting to be cuddled, tickled or chased.  I am also hoping his father  would post his own thoughts and insights from a male perspective – so watch this space!

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Is knitting the new colouring to manage stress?

knitting to cope with stress

Is knitting the new adult colouring for coping with stress?

On a recent shopping trip I sighted some knitting needles and wool.  It immediately brought back nostalgic and fond memories of learning to knit a skill I was taught as a child by my mother and sister both of whom were very talented in this ‘art form’.  I brought them on impulse and began re-igniting that skill.  What I found was a deep sense of relaxation and focused mindfulness on the task at hand.  I was knitting nothing in particular but the actions the clicking of the needles, the feel of the wool twirling round my fingers was strangely calming.  In the same way the adult colouring books have taken off to manage stress.  What was even more interesting was the reaction from my family they were most intrigued and comments such as “you look like a granny” were not uncommon.

It occurred to me they have never experienced me doing anything in a hands on creative way, except only to produce various meals, DIY and the occasional party invitations.  Instead they were used to me sitting in front of a computer screen, reading or writing notes – yet I would describe myself as a very creative person.  In contrast my mother was extremely creative with fabrics including wool, she was always sewing and making things either for us or for family friends.  It was not unusual for her to be making 4 bridesmaids dresses, plus bake a wedding cake and tend to us all as kids.  Although most of it was out of economic necessity, I’m sure she derived a lot of  pleasure from some these activities and a much needed distraction from regular chores.

So I will continue to knit for the time being as a welcome distraction and a source of relaxation from my busy life as another tool for managing stress.

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An introduction to the counselling process

counselling session

An introduction to the counselling process

counsellor and coachIf you have never had counselling before, you may be unfamiliar with how counselling works. Well, I think unfamiliarity breeds anxiety, so here’s what to expect from your first session, how long you should commit to therapy, and what counselling will not give you.

The first session

The first session is an opportunity for the counsellor and client to get to know each other and for the client to get comfortable. In fact it can take a few sessions for the client to feel settled and at ease enough to discuss concerns and worries they may never have spoken about before. It is not unreasonable to recognise that it takes time to build trust. This is also the case with online counselling, where it is possible that counsellor and client cannot see one another.

Each counsellor is different and a multitude of approaches are taken. So what you have read about or been told may differ when it comes to seeing your particular counsellor. As such, there will be variations on how a counsellor begins a session. Some therapists may want to establish ground rules or gather pertinent details, others prefer to quickly get started and let you take the lead.

Depending on the type of therapist you see, you may be given homework, which can be discussed in a following session. The type of activities given can vary. They can include: written work, time spent reflecting on a particular issue, reading books or articles, or carrying out behavioural tasks. Such activities will allow you to get more out of the session and can be highly beneficial.

How many sessions are needed?

Although progress can be achieved in the first session, generally people need more than one session to help bring about change. This is the case whether you go with face to face or online counselling. In fact the amount of sessions needed will vary from individual to individual. Some people require just three or four sessions, whereas others can see a counsellor for years.

Online counsellors, like any other counsellor, appreciate the time to get to know their client. Of course, this also means the client has a good opportunity to get to know the counsellor and the process. This will create greater feelings of trust and will allow the client to open up more.

To expect change during the initial session is expecting a lot from yourself. It’s a bit like starting an exercise program to lose weight then giving up after two days as it didn’t work. Time and effort are needed whether it is a weight change you are after or a behavioural or emotional change.

Frequency

So how often should you see a counsellor? Will it surprise you if I were to say, it varies. Counsellors may recommend a time, but it is always the client’s choice. Some clients like to have a session once a week, whereas others can go months without and then pop back for a session (perhaps because a new issue has arisen which they would like help with). It is not unheard of for a client to see a therapist more than once a week, especially early on.

Never be afraid to go back to see a counsellor. Obtaining support when you need it is a strength, not a weakness.

What counselling will not give you

People new to counselling often hope for quick answers or advice. A counsellor will not tell you what to do. It may not seem possible at first, but the solution will come from within you, with the support and guidance of your counsellor. As such, counselling will not give you a quick fix. This is especially the case if your issue has been with you for some time. Concerns will be unpacked over time, when you are ready.

The internet can create misleading expectations. A person can end up believing there are ready answers out there. You can go on the internet and ask a question about your concern and somebody will be all to ready to give you a solution. Generally it is what has worked for them or what they think is right. This does not necessarily make it the right solution for you. Counselling therefore could be seen as frustrating as your counsellor does not give you instant resolution.

This article was originally written by Julia Bernard, 2010.