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The Gift of Giving

gift of giving

gift-of-givingAs I was opening my gifts from my family – I had a quiet moment of reflection of how much thought goes into it if it’s done from a ‘good’ place as appose to duty bound. For the first time my teenage son who has been working over the holidays since he left school was able to ‘buy’ us gifts. The effort was touching and it warmed my heart when I peeled back the package and it was genuinely what I would’ve liked to have read and it was ‘spot on’ in terms of what I was interested in. Whilst I know that christmas has become more commercialised and I must admit it jars me when stuff starts appearing in the shops in late Sept /Oct. However having said that it’s also potentially a time that we can truly think about those we care about and what we want to do about it (if any).

‘Forcing’ myself to purchase gifts with thought and care not only focuses me to think about what that person means to me but more importantly to ‘notice’ them – what makes them laugh, what are they interested in, what flavoured their lives throughout the year. Then I go shop!

This year has been particularly testing in the world we inhabit intolerance and anxiety have become frequently used sentiments of the day. Talking ‘nonsense’ about purchasing gifts is not only about adding to the economy of it – it’s the giving of your time, your attention, generosity of spirit (if you have it) which is all free. At a recent poetry event in Redfern last month – A US poet left me with this thought, which I hope will take me into the new year harvesting that generosity.

” What seed do we birth in others – I see you we can be everyone’s smile”

by Sonia Renee Taylor

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Complex transitions

complex transitions

Sometime last year I had a brief conversation with  my brother-in-law, we talked aboutPartnershipForGrowth_7 what our children were doing as their twin boys and my son were in their last year of school. My brother in-law  revealed that my sister was struggling with the transitioning of the last of their children to young adult hood and having to come to terms with that.  He surprised me when he admitted although we often complain about the ‘angst’ that comes with teenage territory he also shared her sadness and dare I say grief.

This lead me to question my surprise, because  it is not often we hear father’s express their thoughts and feelings about the so call ’empty nest syndrome’ which can sometimes appear to be a mother’s prerogative.  The transitioning from parenting small children who rely on you solely for their survival, identity and sense of well being, I  believe is a shared loss experienced  by both parents albeit differently.  Coupled with that sense of ‘loss’ is the complex balance of forging new relationships with your teenage children, which can comprise of accepting them as young adults and still asserting and re-definiting your identity as their parents.   In households headed by single parents and same sex families it would be interesting to shed some insight into how this ‘loss’ and complex transition is experienced and whether there are any learnings from this?

When my last child transitioned into senior school yr 7.  I felt a sense of loss that crept up on me that I wasn’t prepared for,  I also felt I needed some sort of ceremony (which in some cultures is common ) to farewell the chatty little boy, that was always hanging around my feet with a twinkle in his eye waiting to be cuddled, tickled or chased.  I am also hoping his father  would post his own thoughts and insights from a male perspective – so watch this space!

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Is knitting the new colouring to manage stress?

knitting to cope with stress

Is knitting the new adult colouring for coping with stress?

On a recent shopping trip I sighted some knitting needles and wool.  It immediately brought back nostalgic and fond memories of learning to knit a skill I was taught as a child by my mother and sister both of whom were very talented in this ‘art form’.  I brought them on impulse and began re-igniting that skill.  What I found was a deep sense of relaxation and focused mindfulness on the task at hand.  I was knitting nothing in particular but the actions the clicking of the needles, the feel of the wool twirling round my fingers was strangely calming.  In the same way the adult colouring books have taken off to manage stress.  What was even more interesting was the reaction from my family they were most intrigued and comments such as “you look like a granny” were not uncommon.

It occurred to me they have never experienced me doing anything in a hands on creative way, except only to produce various meals, DIY and the occasional party invitations.  Instead they were used to me sitting in front of a computer screen, reading or writing notes – yet I would describe myself as a very creative person.  In contrast my mother was extremely creative with fabrics including wool, she was always sewing and making things either for us or for family friends.  It was not unusual for her to be making 4 bridesmaids dresses, plus bake a wedding cake and tend to us all as kids.  Although most of it was out of economic necessity, I’m sure she derived a lot of  pleasure from some these activities and a much needed distraction from regular chores.

So I will continue to knit for the time being as a welcome distraction and a source of relaxation from my busy life as another tool for managing stress.

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An introduction to the counselling process

counselling session

An introduction to the counselling process

counsellor and coachIf you have never had counselling before, you may be unfamiliar with how counselling works. Well, I think unfamiliarity breeds anxiety, so here’s what to expect from your first session, how long you should commit to therapy, and what counselling will not give you.

The first session

The first session is an opportunity for the counsellor and client to get to know each other and for the client to get comfortable. In fact it can take a few sessions for the client to feel settled and at ease enough to discuss concerns and worries they may never have spoken about before. It is not unreasonable to recognise that it takes time to build trust. This is also the case with online counselling, where it is possible that counsellor and client cannot see one another.

Each counsellor is different and a multitude of approaches are taken. So what you have read about or been told may differ when it comes to seeing your particular counsellor. As such, there will be variations on how a counsellor begins a session. Some therapists may want to establish ground rules or gather pertinent details, others prefer to quickly get started and let you take the lead.

Depending on the type of therapist you see, you may be given homework, which can be discussed in a following session. The type of activities given can vary. They can include: written work, time spent reflecting on a particular issue, reading books or articles, or carrying out behavioural tasks. Such activities will allow you to get more out of the session and can be highly beneficial.

How many sessions are needed?

Although progress can be achieved in the first session, generally people need more than one session to help bring about change. This is the case whether you go with face to face or online counselling. In fact the amount of sessions needed will vary from individual to individual. Some people require just three or four sessions, whereas others can see a counsellor for years.

Online counsellors, like any other counsellor, appreciate the time to get to know their client. Of course, this also means the client has a good opportunity to get to know the counsellor and the process. This will create greater feelings of trust and will allow the client to open up more.

To expect change during the initial session is expecting a lot from yourself. It’s a bit like starting an exercise program to lose weight then giving up after two days as it didn’t work. Time and effort are needed whether it is a weight change you are after or a behavioural or emotional change.

Frequency

So how often should you see a counsellor? Will it surprise you if I were to say, it varies. Counsellors may recommend a time, but it is always the client’s choice. Some clients like to have a session once a week, whereas others can go months without and then pop back for a session (perhaps because a new issue has arisen which they would like help with). It is not unheard of for a client to see a therapist more than once a week, especially early on.

Never be afraid to go back to see a counsellor. Obtaining support when you need it is a strength, not a weakness.

What counselling will not give you

People new to counselling often hope for quick answers or advice. A counsellor will not tell you what to do. It may not seem possible at first, but the solution will come from within you, with the support and guidance of your counsellor. As such, counselling will not give you a quick fix. This is especially the case if your issue has been with you for some time. Concerns will be unpacked over time, when you are ready.

The internet can create misleading expectations. A person can end up believing there are ready answers out there. You can go on the internet and ask a question about your concern and somebody will be all to ready to give you a solution. Generally it is what has worked for them or what they think is right. This does not necessarily make it the right solution for you. Counselling therefore could be seen as frustrating as your counsellor does not give you instant resolution.

This article was originally written by Julia Bernard, 2010.

 

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Has the pendulum of prevention swung too far?

raising boys

Has the pendulum swung too far?

sydney teenagers counsellingHaving had discussions with my teenage son about relationships recently, he talked about some of his male friends feeling isolated and unsure of how to ‘be’ around girls or to approach someone to ask them for a date in terms of heterosexual relationships.

On a recent overnight school trip, their groups were separated and boys were given a talk about criminality, making poor choices, stealing cars, and other similar topics. The girls were given a talk about sexual assault and strategies for preventing and dealing with it.

My son felt this talk empowered the girls, although when he and his friends attempted to have a conversation with them about the topic, some of the girls didn’t want to share for ‘fear’ of exposing the strategies for preventing sexual assault. My son observed that some of the girls viewed him and his colleagues as ‘potential’ perpetrators. When I asked if he had challenged that misconception, he said he didn’t, but felt hurt and simply walked away, and so did his friends.

Clearly the girls felt empowered, as they should, after being given the tools and strategies to prevent sexual assault. The question I ask is, don’t boys also need to be given the same opportunities?  To be able to discuss their fears and trepidations around topics such as sexual assault, healthy functional relationships, expectations and sense of value as young men?

Authors such as Steve Biddulph have put this on the agenda in his book Raising Boys, and I have to agree that the battle of minimising harm to young people in an increasingly sexualised world is to have open and frank conversations with both the sexes.

As counselling professionals, lest not neglect the emotional life of our boys. The majority of them will become fathers, carers and partners in future relationships.  They need to have the opportunity to have their voices heard and valued, without prejudice and fear.

So let’s grab that pendulum before it goes too far from our reach.

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Is coaching and counselling the same?

coaching vs counselling

Is coaching and counselling the same?

counsellor and coachThe idea that coaching and counselling are the same mode of practice is a common mistake.

Although coaching and counselling share some commonalities, there are many clear differences between the two.

(Note: The term “counselling” refers to a wide scope of counselling modalities much like coaching has. This article focuses on “counselling” as the general form of counselling or is also known as “psychotherapy“)

First, some similarities between coaching and counselling:

  • Both serve the client and allows them to direct the session
  • Both aim to help the client to understand the issue and to move on
  • Both involve listening to the client, uses questions and empathy during sessions
  • Both offer short-term or long-term services
  • Both ask “How” and “What” questions as opposed to “Why”
  • Both coaching and counselling offer different modalities of the service to target different needs (ie. there is Financial Counselling as well as Financial Coaching available)

But… some important differences between coaching and counselling:

  • Focus: Counselling focuses on the “meaning” of an issue in hopes to find where it came from and what it means
  • Focus: Coaching focuses on the “pattern of meaning” of an issue, where it came from and where to go from here
  • Aim: In Counselling the aim of the therapeutic relationship and therapy is to help the client manage their condition (ie. Depression, Anxiety, ADHD and etc) and develop ways to cope and deal with the current situation.
  • Aim: In Coaching the aim of the coaching relationship is the help the client understand that they are in control of how their mind influences their actions, to break through barriers and to create a new blue print or set of values and beliefs to help the client on their journey to live the life that they want to live in.
  • Emphasis: Counselling emphasises on the importance of the client’s story and encourages the client to talk about their feelings, meanings and thoughts.
  • Emphasis: Coaching emphasises on the important aspects of the story and encourages the client to look at the experience to look for patterns of behaviours and thoughts that discourage the client from living their ideal life
  • Outcome: Counselling focuses on the past and how it affects the present
  • Outcome: Coaching looks at the past, sees how it affects the now and focuses on shifting the present to change the future

There are many similarities between coaching and counselling, but the ultimate focus, aim, emphasis and outcomes are very different.

In order to make the right choice to whether coaching or counselling is more suitable for you, you need to think about where you are and where do you want to go.

To help you decide between whether coaching and counselling is more suitable for you, we could use the same analogy of riding a bicycle:

In counselling, the counsellor and you (the client) discuss what is stopping you from riding the bicycle, what kinds of bicycle experience you may have had, how your family or relationships have affected your decision or fears to ride the bicycle and you may develop goals for you to be able to ride the bicycle again but executed at your own pace.

In coaching, the coach and you (the client) begin by speaking of the fears and barriers that you may have developed, explore why bicycle riding is something you want to do and you both develop strategies, goals and new thinking systems behind bicycle riding while the coach is riding their bicycle next to you and encouraging and motivating you as you ride your bike.

If you have trouble deciding whether counselling or coaching is more identifiable with you, feel free to email us to discuss your concerns and answer other questions you may have about coaching or counselling.

This article was first published on www.minddirectors.com in 2011