What are you saying YES to?

In my last news I talked about protecting your time and space and not feeling guilty that you’re letting someone down if you said no once in a while. So this month it’s about what you say YES to. Sunday evening I had the opportunity to see Zadie Smith (a well known writer) speak at the Opera House – one of the things that resonated – was when she talked about her ‘time’ that even reading a book leisurely was shrinking due to the constant demands on our attention which has become a commodity.

So choosing yes to what matters to you is just as important as saying no for example;

1. Saying YES to work that is fulfilling (if you are fortunate enough to have that opportunity) if not can you identify it?

2. Saying YES to changing your lifestyle for the better, whether it’s going to bed early, starting that exercise regime or realising that you really enjoyed that conversation with a friend or family member and you want more of it.

3. Saying YES to listening to more music, dancing like you mean it.

4. Saying YES to something that you believe in or indeed to reading that a book!

So essentially saying YES in a way that serves you and your community.

The silly season is upon us If you feel a tendency to say YES to everything, go for it – if it makes you happy.

No guilt either way if it’s not who you are and you’ve chosen not to partake. Exercise your choices with care and confidence because you do have that choice. (Remember, many don’t)

So for the rest of November make it a “what am I saying YES to month” that is definitely going to set you up in a good way heading towards the end of the year.

And lastly, remember what you are saying YES to means you are also saying NO to something else and that’s ok too.

Hello Christmas – we meet again

I must admit I’m one of those people who actually like Christmas – yes the commercialism of it all irks me as does the obscene amount of spending for just one day – always leaves me feeling guilty.  Yet still i indulge.

What I like most is the idea of being ‘forced’ to ‘stop’ down tools and just be still reflecting on the outgoing year or decade which is a big deal.

I am also aware that this time of  year can be the loneliest for individuals who have no one thinking about them or to spend  time with. It can also be fraught with navigating difficult family relationships particularly if you’ve ‘successfully’ avoided them all year.

So what does this time of year mean to you? How can you make the holiday season more enjoyable and meaningful? Here are 6 suggestions!

1) The gift of giving doesn’t have to be an expensive foray – the giving of your time whether it’s a phone call, (yes i said it a phone call) or  popping around to see someone you’ve been meaning to.  Or paying attention to a person you care about emotionally.

As you know time is finite you cannot ‘purchase’ more than 24hrs but you can give some of it away to someone in need.

2)  Consider inviting someone to share an experience with you, something completely out of their comfort zone e.g helping out in a community kitchen or garden, spending time walking with a group of people that you would not consider ‘their type’. With the hope that they might enjoy it and make it thing to do regularly.

3)  Hold a fee paying event at your home and invite a  musician or a student artist to perform and donate funds to a charity suggested by your group of friends or neighbours.

4) Have a ‘cook up’ where everyone helps using what you already have in the kitchen and see what you come up with!

5) Hold a Secret Santa with a minimum budget – family members or friends are allowed to re-gift it,  to charity with no offence taken or swap it on the day.  Be open about it, show gratitude and pass it forward.

6) Finally do nothing at all. Be thankful that you live to see another year and reflect on what 2020 could possibly bring.

All of us here at Partnership for Growth are grateful for your company this year! and we hope that we can inspire you to live an even better 2020 –  TAKE CARE BE SAFE  see you on the other side!

Who has your back in your time of need?

On my recent trip overseas I spent some time catching up with family and friends I have known for a long time. I started to ponder the quality of those friendships and what was the ‘glue’ that kept certain friendships going for so long and others not. With certain friends I found myself reverting back to the ‘old girl-friend’ they once knew prior to me leaving home.

Which in reality is really not how I see myself now, I have found those friendships draining and even worse because I engage in it.

Then there were the few friends I could truly be myself with and slip right back in as if I had never left (little treasures I refer to them as). When I first moved to Australia I was naive in not factoring the impact of how lonely I would feel for the familiarity of those treasured friendships in the first few years.

Friendships though are wonderful when it’s good and rich both ways.  It also can be draining and not life affirming when it’s not.  But guess what? you hang in there ‘duty’ bound by expectations that no longer fit.

Now with family you kind’ve don’t really have a choice… well that’s a box set so I won’t go there for now!

Back on Aussie soil, speaking to a colleague who was suddenly taken ill in the night and had an emergency hospital admission. During her recovery she started to reflect on her ordeal. There were moments of sadness and anger which centered around her ‘close’ friends. Those she expected to rally around didn’t and the ones she wasn’t particularly close to who did.

Which led me to reflect on who really has got my back in my time of need if there is no access to family.

So here are some tips to think about around managing those friendships. (Disclaimer here please, don’t feel you have to go on an immediate friendship culling rampage).

  1. What is your realistic expectation of friends who today are increasingly supplementing your family?
  2. Who would jump out of Facebook and be there for you physically in your time of need?
  3. Out of your numerous social media connections, how many of those are true solid relationships and if so what does that solid relationship look like?

And here’s your challenge for the rest of August:

  1. Tell a potential friend that you care about them and that you think about how they are doing. (And I dare you to NOT do it on social media) 🤔
  2. Push yourself to meet up with a friend/s even if you are busy or tired, you might get some unexpected joy from it.
  3. Be honest, tell your people (you know the ones) that you have nothing to give, because you genuinely have nothing more to give, love them and let them go. (I know this is a tough one)
  4. Social media allows you to cast your friendship net far and wide. Be mindful of those friendships that are there for you all of the time right under your nose.  Who you don’t see because you’re busy chasing that ‘mob’ that you think ‘should’ be with.

Remember it’s Ok, we don’t have to be friends with everyone. Cherish those people that have your back, and make sure you have theirs.

It’s Ok, you’ve got another 6 months!

Those of you who are partaking in Dry July, good luck, for those of you not, Merry Christmas in July!

During the last 6 months my wish for you all has generally been to have an awareness of what can get in your way of moving forward towards where you want to be.

So below I have put together a quick revision of that with a gentle reminder that you can push that rock out of the way and keep going. Inhale the future!

In January I talked about a simple review of 2018 – there were some pointy questions to answer which I will include below again as you adapt them to your situation and monitor how you are doing.

In February I gave an outline of one of the therapies I commonly use called ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) essentially its about “getting out of your mind, into your life”. It teaches skills to handle painful thoughts and feelings effectively. I love it because it’s so simple to implement and makes sense!

March was about Procrastination – killer of joy and action – putting off the inevitable until it’s too late. I added a great article on how to overcome it by doing the hard tasks first (contrary to what you may think works)

In April I shared a personal account of a dear friend who lost her battle with cancer and her struggle to put right all those relationships that were important to her but sadly she didn’t make it. So my take away from her legacy was to have those conversations you want to have. Start again because you can create a new beginning. The cliche that life is too short is kind’ve true.

May covered managing work stress and unhappiness there, figuring out what that means for you. Working with different personality types is not always easy.

June was about managing those winter blues with a reminder to be mindful of loneliness creeping in and how to keep it in check besides relying on Netflix. I also shared another great article on how cold weather is good for the brain. This is your time to shine!!

 

So to keep on track, for the next 6 months here’s a 3 step task to get you going and more focussed on what that might look like:

  1. List 3 goals you want to achieve between now and the end of the year.
  2. List 3 thoughts that pull you away from achieving those goals.
  3. Reflect on those thoughts, park them temporarily and still continue with your goal plan.

If you need help moving that rock or parking those thoughts, please get in touch.

So you’re unhappy at work – well what are you doing about it?

Unhappy in your job

When I hear that you love your job, it’s really like you have won the lottery! (well maybe not quite the same)

Being around people who love what they do is infectious and joyful. You spend so much of your time there that you kind’ve hope you would at least enjoy it.

But sadly that is simply not the case for you.

How come?

Perhaps because organisations and businesses are full of all sorts and they add to the culture of the place.

What you may not realise is that your co-workers (and that includes managers) bring with them their own stuff and yes some of them may have narcissist tendencies and some may even be bullies. And guess what, it’s all laid out on the shop floor.

If it’s not that?

Maybe you feel that the job you have strived for months or years of study for, is not cracked up to what you think it is.

What tends to happen then is that you feel stuck, trapped or if your in a ‘golden handcuff’ situation,  worse.

So what are your symptoms?

  • Any opportunity to take days off, you take it.
  • You find yourself talking more about how awful work is and it starts to consume the best part of  your conversations with friends or partner.
  • You may even experience anxiety at the thought of going into the office.
  • Your mood changes you become snappy, withdrawn from colleagues or workplace gatherings and this carries over at home.

I could go on – but I think you get the point.

So here’s what you can do to turn this around.

  • Like the early stages of a romance you were enthusiastic once. You were drawn to something at work, think back to what it was. What made you apply to join the business in the first place?
  • Reflect on what has changed, is it you? new management? a restructure?
  • What adjustments that you need to make that hasn’t crossed your mind?
  • What are the little ‘golden nuggets’ lurking under the laptop? is it a regular good laugh with a colleague who has perhaps left? the gym membership that you found as a great perk, or the opportunities to go on training courses?

If all else fails you actually have the mindset to shift that you just haven’t tapped into it yet. But you got this job didn’t you? and you set the mindset to achieve it?

You deserve to love what you do. Time to dig deeper and work on it.

New Beginnings

Easter is about new beginnings

I was having a conversation with a colleague the other day and we began talking about the meaning of Easter besides the obvious religious context.

Did you know…

The symbol of the ‘easter egg’ represents the birth of new life – new beginnings, starting again, and rejuvenation. In parts of the world the 1st of April represents the first day of Spring the beginnings of new growth.

This week I farewelled a dear friend who lost her fight with cancer. New beginnings have never been more poignant and meaningful as I reflected on my own life and hers. What she had achieved and her legacy. Her stoic quest for putting right those difficult relationships before she passed was important to her – but sadly she ran out of time.

So this is the time, Easter is upon us, the opportunity to renew, start again and clean our emotional house awaits. Don’t miss this chance.

Easter Gift: For those of you who wish to join me in this new beginnings work. I am offering 2 FREE mindset coaching mini support sessions over the next 2 weeks. Simply call my practice on 02 9095 8607 and request New Beginning Coaching. My wonderful team will book you in. If not for you perhaps you have someone else in mind, please share this offer with a friend, colleague or family member who might welcome this Easter gift.

Happy Hopeful EASTER!

Audrey Morrison-Greet – Partnership for Growth

You Got This!

why i procrastinate

why i procrastinate

How much more could you get done with an extra 218 minutes of free time every day? Or an additional 55 days each year?

That’s the time an average person wastes procrastinating, according to peer-reviewed studies – with the top time wasters being too much TV, aimless internet surfing and meandering social media usage – or “Facebrocrastination”.

Twenty per cent of us identify ourselves as chronic procrastinators, 73 per cent of us want to stop all procrastinating, and 50 per cent of us see our procrastination as dysfunctional.

Ironically enough, this article took me a couple of months to write – so this comes from a place of personal experience as well as professional!

The six golden rules of procrastination:

1. Everybody procrastinates, but not everyone is a procrastinator.

2. All procrastination is delay, but not all delay is procrastination. Delaying action or decisions can be a positive or “active procrastination”. Certainly, it’s sometimes worthwhile to allow further thinking time, allowing us to do other more important tasks (it’s just prioritising, right?).

3. The reasons why we procrastinate have NOTHING to do with poor time-management, but rather our desire to avoid pain and seek pleasure and a failure of self-regulation.

4. Problem procrastinators are those who engage in culpably unwarranted irrational delay.

5. Procrastination is associated with a wide variety of negative health, wellbeing, productivity and performance outcomes.

6. Stopping passive procrastination is possible.

 

The three types of procrastinators – which are you?

You’re an “arousal procrastinator” i.e. a thrill-seeker if you regularly:

• Tend to put things off to the last possible minute

• Enjoy the adrenaline rush of an almost-impossible deadline

You’re an “avoidant procrastinator” i.e. someone who distracts yourself from unpleasant emotion such as fear, worry, anxiety or panic if you regularly:

• Put off what you know you should be doing in favour of something else that is of less immediate importance but holds no pain

• Tend to frequently delay or avoid doing something you perceive as unpleasant or stressful until you are in the “right mood”

• Wait until it’s too late and the deadline passes or someone else resolves the issue

• Would rather have others think you’re lazy than lack ability

• Are tempted by immediate gratification

You’re a “decisional procrastinator” i.e. if you find making decisions difficult and painful, feeling tormented before the door of big decisions and you regularly:

• Can’t or won’t make a decision

• Simply feel you don’t know what to do

• Want to be absolved of responsibility for the outcome

• Feel lacking in courage

You can be one of these procrastinators, or a combination – and I think we all know someone who is all three!

 

Why do we procrastinate?

Despite what the super-organised may believe, the contemporary evidence emphasises that a procrastinator’s behaviour is NOT caused by a lack of time management or poor planning.

Looking at the Big 5 personality factors, those who score at the low end for conscientiousness and the high end for optimism are more likely to procrastinate, as are those with lower self-regulation – where we give in to feeling good by prioritising short-term mood repair and avoiding stuff that is painful (stressful) or which may make us feel bad (anxious, overwhelmed, out of our depth).

Many of us, without realising it, instinctively retreat to our comfort zone and try our best never to leave it. Procrastination is a result of that.

But all those who have ever sat on or delayed things will know the bad feelings and guilt that ensue. It’s beyond ironic that in the pursuit of avoiding pain in the here and now, we can create a world of even worse pain for our future self.

So, is procrastination bad for us?

‘Fraid so, yes.

Most of the current evidence on procrastination describes it as a maladaptive, detrimental and self-undermining behaviour.

We might kid ourselves that leaving things to the last minute means we’ll do a better job because of the added pressure, but studies have shown that procrastinators are more likely to make mistakes – and in general, people who continually put things off are unhappier, as well as being less wealthy and healthy in comparison with those who get things done promptly.

Other adverse effects of procrastination are anxiety, tension, loss of valuable opportunities, as well as the breakdown of relationships with other people, and even chronic disease (putting off that check-up, exercise regime, etc).

And, as I’ve written about before, bedtime procrastination may also be the key factor in contribution to the pandemic of sleep insufficiency that is currently and deservedly the subject of great attention.

So, if you’re a procrastinator (as opposed to someone who occasionally procrastinates), there’s no doubt – it’s bad for you!

 

What should we do about it?

Before we jump into specific strategies, there are a few guidance points to consider to make sure we’re approaching the topic with the appropriate level of compassionate non-judgment and self-reflection:

1. Procrastinators may act as if they have all the time in the world. But deep down, they know they’re wasting parts of their life and they feel bad on the inside because of it. The trouble is, most of them don’t know how to free themselves.

2. Telling someone who procrastinates to manage their time better is like telling someone with severe depression to just cheer up.

3. The process of overcoming procrastination can begin once someone is able to admit that when they are delaying action, they’re really avoiding pain.

4. Whenever they feel procrastination creeping upon them, the key thing is to encourage a habit of ‘moving towards’ the pain instead of away from it and become more willing to take creative and emotional risks because they feel better equipped to cope with failure.

OK, so now we’ve set the ground rules, here are nine strategies for dealing with procrastination:

1. Notice when you are on the verge of procrastinating. Explore it. Get curious. “Why am I resisting this?” Try a five-minute mindfulness practice.

2. Actively shift to a positive and growth mindset, dropping the fixed or negative one. Ask yourself, “What are the positive and motivating reasons to do this now?” See this as a learning process rather than as a measure of your ability.

3. Visualise the ideal future. Ask yourself, “What’s the one step I could take right now to move me towards that?” Then do it.

4. Tackle the worst first, not the easy. Do the difficult and most important first. In the sentiment of Mark Twain, if your job requires you to eat a frog, eat it in the morning. If you need to swallow two frogs, eat them both before anything else.

5. Remember that an imperfect step taken today is better than a perfect step never taken.

6. Remove distractions and interruptions whilst allowing yourself a break every 15 minutes if you need it (as a positive reward). Chances are once you get started in a suitably quiet place, you won’t want to take a break – but at 90 minutes, put down the tools and enforce a breather.

7. Be wary of “purposefully delaying”. Yes, this may be sensible re-prioritising, but in all probability, it’s more likely to be an amygdala hijack driven by our strong feelings to avoid pain.

8. Write a to-do list of tasks and goals, prioritising and numbering them from most important to least important. For each task, ask yourself whether you should do it, delegate it or dump it. Then act accordingly. Break the tasks you are keeping into the smaller steps involved, estimating realistically how much time they will take. Allocate these into your schedule, then print it out and keep it in a place where you can see it regularly. I know I said time-management wasn’t the issue but being functionally competent in these aspects is always going to help!

9. Don’t beat yourself up if you do procrastinate. Procrastination has been as issue since the beginning of time. It has negative connotations of self-blame and shame, so it’s important to keep these feelings in check, channelling self-compassion and forgiveness.

Don’t procrastinate when it comes to stopping procrastination

If you’ve identified yourself as one (or all) of our “problem procrastinators”, applying some of the recommended help strategies can have a profound effect.

Problem procrastination affects our productivity and psychological wellbeing – involving feelings of anxiety, stress, guilt, shame and depression.

Like my delay with writing this article, those of us who suffer procrastination are often masters of disguise – covering our avoidance behaviours by being very busy.

The basic notion of procrastination is as a self-regulation failure – we know what we ought to do and we’re not able to bring ourselves to do it.

It’s that gap between intention and action. Hopefully your next action is a positive one!


Original post written by Audrey McGibbon, co-founder, Global Leadership Wellbeing Survey on 8 February 2019 for The Public Accountant

A Relationship with Fear

relationship with fear, letting go

An 18yr ‘boy’ who just left school decided to take a gap year before going to university. He decided to go overseas after much deliberation over financial constraints. He overcame this first hurdle by launching himself in a series of jobs working as hard as he could even doing night shifts to build up the required funds.

Once in Europe his first trip was to Lourdes in South West France at the foothills of the Pyrenees. He went on his own following the World Mountain Bike Cup Race of which he is a supporter and also a rider in his spare time. He knew no french and managed to arrange somewhere to stay and get around by himself. He described the experience as challenging as the area was quite remote as it was ‘out of season’ (for religious pilgrimages). Most of the time he was walking around on his own in picturesque villages with no one in sight once the races were over.

His next trip was Fort William in the Scottish Highlands where he camped out by himself for 2 weeks, he braved the elements and climbed Ben Nevis the highest mountain in the British Isles. He found the rough terrain and breath taking views exhilarating and serene.

This led to him becoming more adventurous as he decided to do the Mont Blanc Tour (solo) which involved wild camping in the Alps, whilst hiking and cycling his way through three countries starting and ending in France. Travelling through the Italian and Swiss Alps involved him navigating the extreme weather conditions, language barrier, maps and mountainous terrains of those countries. Mont Blanc is the highest mountain in the Alps and it took him just under a week. He described camping in random fields in the middle of no-where in the French Alps. On his first day he talked about being woken up in the middle of the night by soft ‘thudding’ noises outside his tent. In fear of drawing attention to himself he remained still until the ‘animal’ passed before going back to sleep.

He described pushing his mountain bike for 3/4 hours on numerous occasions up steep rugged inclines sometimes carrying it on his back where he encountered the bewilderment of a few tourists who thought he was either ‘mad’ or some sort of ‘elite’ athlete. He experienced extreme whether conditions biting wind and rain and in desperation sheltered behind bushes to keep warm. On the last leg of the trip he slept on a bench at a railway station and at 3am was promptly woken by a homeless person who was angry and irate in french by ‘his’ space being taken. The 18yr old was not perturbed by this and simply apologised in bad french and went back to sleep. His story continued and his experiences have been quite extraordinary including climbing the Italian Alps via ferrata style (using a climbing kit and cable) more wild camping in breath taking locations, looking for water source, getting lost, attempting to communicate with remote villagers, hitch hiking with sheep farmers and so forth.

At the end of his trip he was asked three questions?

1) What did you learn about yourself?

“There is nothing to be afraid of when you are with nature it’s just you and the wilderness. It’s ok to set goals about where you want to be and how long it will take you. But if you are tired & fatigue don’t push on – it’s ok to stop re-evaluate – eat, rest and start again you will get there in the end. I wouldn’t do it if it was easy and it felt good to push myself out of the box, people don’t do that and they miss out and sweat the small stuff which is not important. I have met so many people who are genuinely kind and helpful particularly when they know what you are trying to achieve.”

2) What would you do differently?

“I wouldn’t take my bike, I would hike instead and make sure that I’m not out of season when I travel so I could stock up at the next village or town and not be concerned about the shops being closed.”

3) How did you cope with being on your own? e.g. isolation, loneliness.

“It was kind of nice – peaceful you are responsible and answerable to yourself only, the scenery was breath taking you just felt privileged to be alive and there in that moment. A lot of time was spent planning the route, how you were going to stock up on food and water – just generally ‘survive’.”

Whilst it may appear to the reader that the 18yr old was perhaps reckless and too much of a risk taker. What I could tell you of his planning and research it was meticulous. What he couldn’t predict he went with the moment not letting ‘fear’ get in the way but drew upon his intuition, learnt knowledge and hope.

At the end of conversation he had a question for us. What did you guys (parents) learn about yourselves while I was away? my reply “how quickly grey hairs grow!”

As I write he is currently planning a 1000km bike ride from Canberra to Melbourne called the Hunt ride involving 30 or so riders!

Wish him well!