Mental Health Archives | Page 2 of 2 | Partnership for Growth

Grief – a delayed response

A very dear friend of mine recently passed away, I was aware of her long term illness but I was not aware it was terminal. So when I received the news I was initially shocked but I felt no emotion e.g. I couldn’t cry. I was more concerned about the details and what had happened. The following day I made a mental note to contact her family and send my condolences. However in the middle of my day I found myself being drawn back to my childhood memories of being at school together and how much of each others lives we shared prior to my move to Australia – and then the flood gates opened. I cried inconsolably and I was racked with guilt and grief at not being there for her in her time of need. When I eventually spoke to her family I could not get through the phone call because of my sorrow.

In counselling we often talk about delayed reactions to grief or a trauma and how it can show up when you least expect it, which is different for everybody. We tried to be in control of those feelings but small triggers, be it music a familiar smell, a photo can bring back those memories, which are now associated with the loss – something that can never be retrieved. I will never see my dear friend again and I have to accept that. Counselling that is compassionate and supportive can help you deal with feelings of loss and grief and eventually come to terms with it.

What do we pay attention to?

I often wonder how people manage the constant influx of information from the many social and professional platforms out there – when I think I’ve mastered one such, another pops up. Whilst I’m always in favour of growth versus stagnation, who do we choose to listen to? the profiles with the largest twitter followers the latest snap chat or instagram feeds? or the more snazzier profiles with the most endorsements on linked in? Is our bottom line what our Facebook friends endorse or those of us fortunate enough to have coaches, mentors or solid family support have the last say? When I first join the linked in community I remember staying up quite late just reading and absorbing the latest posts, blogs from groups, profiles and so forth – some were intriguing and interesting. However by the next day I couldn’t tell you which one influenced me or stayed in my thoughts the most.

After overcoming an acute episode of stomach acid reflux (GERD clinical term). I paid no attention to the slight nagging pain that often accompanied me late at night when trying to sleep. I continued to ignore it and got on with my day to day. This was to my detriment as it became acute and a trip to the GP was promptly required. The somatics amongst us would advocate emotional, conflictual or goodness eminates from the gut – the saying ‘gut feeling’ or ‘a good belly laugh’ rings true.

In my case when I didn’t listen or paid attention it came back and smacked me right in the face or in this case my stomach. In our increasingly digitalised and automated world of brands, high visibilty and constant cyber clutter – disguised as the ‘real deal’ – how do we determine what’s genuine and what’s not? Who do we pay attention to? I’ve deliberately held back from all of that and whilst I’m aware it may ‘hurt’ my ‘profile’ from a visibility perspective and for fear of not embracing change. Or worse still becoming a modern day dinosaur. The lesson *GERD has taught me if I don’t listen well and pay attention to what’s really important there will be no ‘me’ striving to make a difference.

*Gastroesophageal reflux disease

Is knitting the new colouring to manage stress?

Is knitting the new adult colouring for coping with stress?

On a recent shopping trip I sighted some knitting needles and wool. It immediately brought back nostalgic and fond memories of learning to knit a skill I was taught as a child by my mother and sister both of whom were very talented in this ‘art form’. I brought them on impulse and began re-igniting that skill. What I found was a deep sense of relaxation and focused mindfulness on the task at hand. I was knitting nothing in particular but the actions the clicking of the needles, the feel of the wool twirling round my fingers was strangely calming. In the same way the adult colouring books have taken off to manage stress. What was even more interesting was the reaction from my family they were most intrigued and comments such as “you look like a granny” were not uncommon.

It occurred to me they have never experienced me doing anything in a hands on creative way, except only to produce various meals, DIY and the occasional party invitations. Instead they were used to me sitting in front of a computer screen, reading or writing notes – yet I would describe myself as a very creative person. In contrast my mother was extremely creative with fabrics including wool, she was always sewing and making things either for us or for family friends. It was not unusual for her to be making 4 bridesmaids dresses, plus bake a wedding cake and tend to us all as kids. Although most of it was out of economic necessity, I’m sure she derived a lot of pleasure from some these activities and a much needed distraction from regular chores.

So I will continue to knit for the time being as a welcome distraction and a source of relaxation from my busy life as another tool for managing stress.

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Has the pendulum of prevention swung too far?

Has the pendulum swung too far?

Having had discussions with my teenage son about relationships recently, he talked about some of his male friends feeling isolated and unsure of how to ‘be’ around girls or to approach someone to ask them for a date in terms of heterosexual relationships.

On a recent overnight school trip, their groups were separated and boys were given a talk about criminality, making poor choices, stealing cars, and other similar topics. The girls were given a talk about sexual assault and strategies for preventing and dealing with it.

My son felt this talk empowered the girls, although when he and his friends attempted to have a conversation with them about the topic, some of the girls didn’t want to share for ‘fear’ of exposing the strategies for preventing sexual assault. My son observed that some of the girls viewed him and his colleagues as ‘potential’ perpetrators. When I asked if he had challenged that misconception, he said he didn’t, but felt hurt and simply walked away, and so did his friends.

Clearly the girls felt empowered, as they should, after being given the tools and strategies to prevent sexual assault. The question I ask is, don’t boys also need to be given the same opportunities? To be able to discuss their fears and trepidations around topics such as sexual assault, healthy functional relationships, expectations and sense of value as young men?

Authors such as Steve Biddulph have put this on the agenda in his book Raising Boys, and I have to agree that the battle of minimising harm to young people in an increasingly sexualised world is to have open and frank conversations with both the sexes.

As counselling professionals, lest not neglect the emotional life of our boys. The majority of them will become fathers, carers and partners in future relationships. They need to have the opportunity to have their voices heard and valued, without prejudice and fear.

So let’s grab that pendulum before it goes too far from our reach.